Plan B is the new Plan A
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
