I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
