You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
