Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
