i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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