My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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