you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm getting married
To pizza
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
