i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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