Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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