I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
