My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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