You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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