I'm gonna have a badass scar
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
