Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
