i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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