trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize