yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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