I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
