my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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