What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
