just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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