things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
