Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
