i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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