I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
there is glitter all over my balls
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
