This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
