and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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