He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
