Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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