just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
