Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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