you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
