She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
