last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
there is glitter all over my balls
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
