My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
