Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Come see our sink grown plant.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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