you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
