id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
