i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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