i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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