dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
