to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
