Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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