so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
