yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I want a musical about memes.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
