You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
