Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
