I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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