Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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