She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
