sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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