YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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