i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sarcasm needs its own font
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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