nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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