last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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