He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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