He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
