Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
